Pillows Make The Best Confessionals
by FawkesRises
Summary: And finally Marissa. COMPLETED
1. Last Beautiful Girl

Pillows Make the Best Confessionals

~FawkesRises

Notes: Thanx to all my reviewers out there in reviewer-dom! Okay, this is the first chappie of a four part thing I got bit by last nite after watching "The Escape." It's all inspired by that bed scene where Ryan/Marissa and Seth/Summer are sleeping together, but facing away from each other. I thought it might be interesting to get inside their heads….Summer's up first because I LOVED HER in this epi-I really wanted to see her kick Holly's a** all over the club *grin*. Oh yeah and each chappie is named after the MB20 song I wrote it too (lyrics too). I guess I'm on a first person POV/MB20 kick right now so sit back, relax, and enjoy!

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****

Summer

***

__

It won't be the first-heart that you break

It won't be the last-beautiful girl

The one that you wrecked-won't take you back

If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

***

Seth Cohen…

He's like the boy version of 'the girl next door'.

I secretly like the fact that he doesn't always let me get my way. Except of course when it lands us in a ratty motel in the middle of nowhere.

But he's sleeping right beside me. And even though I made a big deal out of telling him not to make a move, I know as well as he does that it was just an act. Because Seth's not like other guys. He wouldn't take advantage of sleeping in the same bed as me.

I know that he's mad at me for trying to avoid him-especially after that kiss by the pool. But…

He doesn't understand. I can't let him get too close to me, because then I'd have to admit I love him. 

And I can't love anybody.

Not me. I have to be the Ice Queen, the girl everyone wants but can't have. The girl no one touches.

I can't let anyone in-not even Seth. _Especially _not him. Not the guy who can remember my third grade squirrel feeding habit, or the guy who can recite "I Wish I Was A Mermaid" better than me. Anybody that knows that is too close.

Marissa's the only one that comes close to Seth, and even she doesn't know _everything._

She doesn't know how I stand in front of the mirror every morning and wonder if this is the day I'll let someone see me. It doesn't matter though, I always put on my make-up, my fake California girl mask and walk out the door.

I don't look back.

And tomorrow I'll wake up and do it again.

But tonight, I can relax-something I'm not allowed to do with anyone except Coop. Except Coop's not beside me, Seth is. 

I don't mind.


	2. You're So Real

Seth's POV

***********

_You think that I'm beneath you_

_But you like the things that I do_

_Well wrap em up and take em with you_

_I got a weakness in me_

_I think that weakness feeds me_

_I don't think you think you need me_

***********

She's lying beside me.

_Summer_…

The girl of my dreams.

And I can't touch her.  I want to, _hell I'd give my left arm to just reach out and brush my hand across her face._

But that's not the way it works.

I'm not the guy who starts start groping some girl just because we happen to be sleeping in the same bed, only inches apart.  And I think Summer knows I'm not that type of guy.  

It makes me feel good that she would trust me, just to lay here.  Not touching, but _so close.  She trusts me enough to actually fall asleep.  _

I glance over and she's still.  I can hear her breathing, barely a sound at all, and a chill goes up my spine.

Because she's here.

Sure _here is a crummy roach hotel, but to me it's not so bad as it was at first sight.  Because at first sight I never expected to be sleeping beside Summer.  I figured she'd end up with Marissa…_

She acted like it was such a giant sacrifice for her to share a bed with _me.  She didn't have to of course, there was an entire bed open.  True it was a sofa bed but she still could've slept there._

But she chose the bed.

She chose _me_. 


	3. Busted

AN:  this feels kind of unfinished…but it's all I seemed inspired to write.  Sorry it took me so long to update, but my OC muses (as well as most of my others) seemed to have taken a holiday and left me in the care of several Harry Potter plot bunnies *shrug*  So anyway, without further rambling-Ryan's thoughts (mostly about Marissa) at bed time:

**Ryan**

******************

_I found silence in this space_

_An on and off again attraction_

_I need such amazing grace_

_Heaven sweep me away_

_But oh how I want you to know me_

_Oh how I want you to know me_

_Oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby_

_Oh how I wish you could own me_

******************

I watch her as she lies down beside me.  She moves like it's the hardest thing in the world just to bend a knee, an elbow. 

I know what happened in the little radio waves of her cell phone, the reason why even breathing seems too hard to do.  And I want to say something, tell her _anything _to make some of that pain disappear.  Instead, I bite my lip till it bleeds, the metallic tang sharp in my mouth.

She's hurt.

I'd give anything just to reach out and hold her.  But I'm afraid I'll break her if I do.

She's fragile, _transparent--_and watching her like this is like watching an angel roll in the dirt.

She deserves more than what she's got.  She deserves a father who hasn't embezzled millions, a mother who actually gives a damn, and a boyfriend that isn't a 'water polo bitch.'   See, just like I know her parents are divorcing, I know that she's given herself away to Luke.  And I know that there's _no way that he understands what she's sacrificed to him.  _

I do.

I understand because…

Well because I've sacrificed myself as well.  Maybe not the same way, but in Chino, innocence and purity are the first things to go.  I understand Marissa because my parents are no where near June and Ward Cleaver and not even _close to Kirsten and Sandy Cohen.  _

Marissa might've had the money, but our lives are becoming parallel.

For her, a few weeks ago everything was fine - now it's all falling apart.  I _know_ about falling apart.  I've lived 'falling apart' for the last decade of my life.  Things have started to get better for me lately, just as things for her have started to get worse.  So while she's falling, I'm rising-and just like she and Seth were there for me during the whole model house thing, I want to be there for her.

Looking over at her, she looks like she's asleep, only I know she's not…

It should be the easiest thing in the world to reach over and touch her shoulder, let her know that she's not as alone as she thinks.

But I can't.


	4. Mad Season

**Marissa**

***

_I feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes_

_I've been changing – think it's funny how no one knows_

_We don't talk about – the little things that we do without_

_When that whole mad season comes around_

_***_

_I hate him I hate him I hate him…_

God, I don't even know who I'm talking about.

My dad.

He's ruined everything.  Why did he have to be so stupid?  I don't want to be like Summer.  I don't want a stepmom _or_ a stepdad.  I don't want a divorce.  I know we weren't a perfect family, but we were close enough.

Luke.

I can't believe I slept with him.  And he was happy about it.  He thought I loved him.  He shouldn't be so trusting.  He should know better.

Ryan.

Ever since he showed up, everything has been crazy.  I almost wish he would go back to Chino.  That he never came to Newport in the first place.  Then there wouldn't be any stupid model house and I wouldn't have found out about my dad.  Living in the dark is better.  And him and Seth's grandpa's girlfriend – I wouldn't have had sex with Luke.  I wouldn't have…I wouldn't have…

Oh God, it's my fault.

_My fault.___

I don't hate Luke or Ryan or even my dad - 

I hate myself.


End file.
